After a tiring month, I have come to the decision to wean Grayson. I had wanted to nurse him for six months and then it turned to six weeks. But after my bout with mastitis, I decided to do it at one month - which is today. I had about 7 bottles expressed and started giving him a mid-day bottle on Monday to wean myself for work. Then tonight, we gave him a bottle of formula hoping to get more sleep in a row out of him. We shall see. I am pumping tonight and will decrease the amount of time I pump each day for a week or so to ease my body.
It is funny that I wanted to nurse Ruth so much but wasn't able to - so much so that I pumped for six months and then took a month to wean myself. And now I am able to nurse Grayson and don't really want to. Pumping is so much easier. I don't know if it makes me a bad mother or not, but I do not enjoy nursing. I think I am supposed to, but I don't.
I am having some feelings tonight of self doubt and wondering if I am a good mother to Ruth and Grayson. I know these thoughts are not from God but from the enemy so I am trying t shake them and replace them with truth. And like mothers everywhere, I am worrying tonight about my children: do they each get enough attention, do I challenge them both enough and correctly, what will Grayson's eyesight be, will he have the same issues as Ruth, etc. etc. etc.
I confess this all to you because I always feel such a relief when I hear other mothers struggle with some of these same feelings. So often, we as women keep our insecurities to ourselves giving the impression of being invincible. Anytime I share with someone how I feel they always say thank you to me for sharing because they have some of the same feelings. So I share on this blog for others but mainly for myself. I needed to say these things "out loud" to challenge myself to admit them and hopefully get rid of them.
I goal for 2010 is to recognize areas in my life that are unproductive to me, my children and my husband and to replace them with positive, supportive and true thoughts.
Thank you for reading. Tomorrow I will have a happier post.
It does not make you a bad mother if you don't want to nurse your son....you're only a bad mother if you don't feed him at all. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your goal for 2010. It sounds like one we should all have for ourselves.
Nat, I'm right there with you on the breast feeding. I struggled and actually fed Eston for 2 weeks, and then pumped 6 more. I hated it. I do think he was so much happier on formula. Now, I'm contemplating even starting with this next one at all. Should I see if it's a different experience? Or if I decide not to from the start, will everyone think I'm horrible?
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