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After being a regular guest at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church for our entire married life and before, we have decided to look for a church closer to home.  We drive 30 minutes on Sunday morning without traffic to go to our church.  But after missing church for three months when I first got out of the hospital, the drive really gets to us now.  And with the kids starting preschool, we thought this would be a good time.  The search is hard.  I must, must, must have hymns and finding a church who sings hymns anymore is hard without it being a tiny church, usually with watered down preaching.  It can get pretty depressing.  But we also decided that, while we love our church and the preaching, we really don't fit in all that well there anymore and wonder how much of an impact we can make in such a large church with such a huge budget.  Our small tithes could really make a difference in a smaller church.  We shall see.  But since we have decided to make the move, when we are at JFBC, we don't enjoy it as much.  And the last bit of hold out for me was the sewing class and that was kinda ruined on Friday at sewing class.  I had the "great" fortune of sitting at the next table to a lady who had her three month old baby with her.  Now, please keep in mind that childcare is provided FREE for this sewing class.  I understand that she wanted the baby with her so she could have it strapped to her while she walked around and feed him.  Fine.  But then when she put him in the stroller to "go to sleep" and just let him scream, that was it for me.  Sewing class is a place for me to get away from my children.  I don't want to hear kid belonging to someone else scream.  If you are in an airplane, a doctor's office, the like, you don't have the option of letting someone else watch your baby go to sleep FOR FREE!!  But she totally could have walked that kid to the nursery and let workers who were getting paid listen to that kid scream until he fell asleep.  I understand not wanting to rock him. I understand the "let him cry until he sleeps" idea.  But please, have some respect for the others in the room and either check that kid in the nursery or step outside with him until he sleeps.  I had to leave to pick up Ruth from preschool anyway, but I did pack  my stuff as fast as I could and left 15 minutes early before I couldn't help myself and turn around and tell her what I just wrote for you to read. Some of you may think I am a horrible person for thinking these things.  I really don't care.  Block him out, you might try to tell me.  No.  First, he was screaming so loud that a deaf elephant couldn't have blocked him out and second, why should I have to block out your screaming child when you have several options of removing him. 

You can tell it still makes me mad just thinking of it.

And, after listening to so many women talk about private school options for their kids, I just thought, "dang, Brian is right.  We don't fit in here."
Now,  you may be a person who wants and will send your children to private school.  That is fine.  But that is not our choice.  Brian and I believe in the public school system.  We believe that private school is an extra expense that is not needed for our family.  We realize that our children may be exposed to a harsher reality than we were in school.  But we also believe that private school does not prevent that exposure.  We also believe that we are called to be a light in public schools. I do not hold anything against someone who sends her children to private school.  But it is another glaring instance of our differences in the majority of people at our current church.  Other differences that I have experienced is that I didn't breast feed and I work outside the home.  Brian, while he has a white collar job, has always said he is a blue collar guy.  These personality traits of ours are different from the majority.  And while we love JFBC, love the people, and have grown there, have friends there, at the present we are feeling led to use these differences in our lives somewhere else. 

It is hard.  The kids have cried at both new churches we have visited.  I cried at one and felt like crying at the other.  Change is uncomfortable.  It brings a lot of fear for me.  And depression.  Yesterday afternoon I was so very depressed.  I found out my mother is back in the hospital and I can't do anything to be there.  I tried to give myself barre which had cheered me up on Saturday.  But on Sunday barre ended soon after it began in a heap of tears on the floor.  And then I sat outside to enjoy the beautiful fall weather and just cried some more.  It is hard feeling like you don't belong anywhere.  I feel like I don't make an impact.  My students this semester don't seem to be as engaged as they were last spring - the students that I had to leave.  I try to tell myself it is early in the day (8am and 9:30am) and early in the semester.  I wonder if I lost part of myself and my spark with my illness.  I fear I am no longer exciting.

But I digress.
Here are pictures of the kids from Sunday morning.