Last Day of Summer

It is August 20 and it is the last day of summer for the Berry family.  School started in our county on August 1 so for families of school aged children, summer has been over for some time.  But for us, it is today.

Ruth starts pre-k tomorrow.  We have enrolled her at a local church's 4 day a week preschool.  Grayson will be going to 2 day a week preschool.  And I start back to school tomorrow.  Even though I had a faculty meeting on Thursday, tomorrow is the first day of school.

And I am scared.

I am scared for me because the last time I was teaching in my classroom, which happens to be the theatre again, was last March.  I didn't know it would be my last day.  I didn't know I wouldn't get to finish the semester.  And here I am, going back.  And I have an 8:00am class. Yikes.

I am also nervous about sending the kids to school.  We have been so lucky having "Nana" for 4 years.  She is what the kids know and love.  This morning at breakfast while waiting for Nana (I had clinic), Grayson said, "I love Nana."  And I thought, we all do.   She will be the one to take them every Tuesday.  She will walk them in on the first day and wipe away tears and such.  I am nervous for them and excited for them and scared that they won't need me as much.  I am excited too that they won't need me as much.

I am having mixed feelings about a lot of things these days.  I love teaching and enjoy the dance department at KSU.  However, at our faculty meeting hearing what other people have been doing professionally gave me that old feeling and pull to the profession that maybe I should be doing more in  my field.  Teaching more, working on my PhD or whatever.  But even before I got sick I knew that I couldn't do all those things because of my commitment to my family.  I love working.  But I also love being able to be here for my husband and children.  I am sure you probably feel the same.  I remember thinking when I was at OU how hard the professors worked and how much of their time was spent in the studio with us.  But none of the professors had small children.  They might have had a significant other, but an adult has different demands and different needs and different time tables than a child.  Often I wonder if all successfully people in dance have to sacrifice family.

And I found out that a studio in a nearby town that had been offered to me to purchase a year before had been sold to a former student.  It was my choice to turn down the offer and I know it was the right choice.  I am not a studio owner personality.  But it was another reminder that my life is different than I once thought it would be.  And I am becoming more and more okay with that.  Does that mean I will be mediocre in my field?  I hope not.  I hope that I can bring a different set of strengths to my students.  This semester I am again teaching two large sections of our general education dance course and as an added bonus the dance history class as well.  I do love talking about dance.  I miss teaching ballet, of course, but my body needs to recover more before I ask to teach that class.

And one day my children won't be in preschool.  They will be in middle school and won't need me as much.  They won't care or won't want me to drop them off or pick them up.  They won't want me to be the customer in their restaurant or play "mommyinator" (when I chase them or trick them to come to me and then kiss them all over).  They won't want to color me pictures or snuggle before nap.  They won't need me to help dress their dolls or allow my legs to be the roads for their cars.  So I continue to choose to be a part time teacher and a full time mommy.

Will I grace the pages of Dance Magazine or Chronicle of Higher Education with that philosophy? No.  No I will not.  But maybe I will make an eternal difference in the lives of my children, husband and other pesky stay at home mom types that I call my dear friends.

This medicine must make me sappy.